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Becoming Mum

I’d see pictures of new mums holding babies in their arms after having just had them and I’d wonder if that was their ‘mum moment’. For me it wasn’t. I knew the first time I held her that I could never love as strong as the love I felt there and then for this tiny little 4lb bundle of joy but it took a long time for me to really feel like a mum. I was quite sick after the birth and even once we came home it took me a long time to recover. I was still feeling unfamiliar with being a mum 6 months down the line. I’d ask other mums when they really got into the swing of things and they’d usually say a few weeks or a couple of months at the most – none of which helped me. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, was I missing some internal ‘mum’ gene. I’d do things with my little lady, she’d bring me so much joy just watching her play or reading a story but I still didn’t feel like a mum. I think even my own mum was a little surprised that I wasn’t feeling more motherly. I think there is a lot of expectation on new mums and it’s not always plain sailing. I’d often compare myself to other new mums who seemed to have it all together after a relatively short space of time. I’d wonder why I wasn’t the same but the truth is I was the same. They buy clomid and nolvadex online might look calm and collected on the outside but I soon found out that on the inside they were exactly the same as me. Full of the same worries and anxieties – they just hid it better.

I think a turning point for me was going back to work, it gave me a bit of my ‘normal’ life back and because I only work part time I still get to spend lots of time with my little lady so it benefits us both. She hasn’t said ‘mamma’ yet and I wait on bated breath for the first time I hear her utter it. There have been little sounds that could almost be a mamma but I don’t count them, I’m waiting for the real thing. More than a year on since I walked into the hospital and our lives changed forever and I can now say that I enjoy every single moment I spend with my beautiful little lady, we laugh and play together and the look on her face when I walk into the room is priceless. I know that she looks to me for reassurance and above all else, when she is upset all she wants is a hug from me. I feel lucky and fortunate to have my little lady, I feel scared and anxious about her growing up so fast and I feel overwhelming joy when I sit and watch her sleep. I feel like mum.

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