I’d see pictures of new mums holding babies in their arms after having just had them and I’d wonder if that was their ‘mum moment’. For me it wasn’t. I knew the first time I held her that I could never love as strong as the love I felt there and then for this tiny little 4lb bundle of joy but it took a long time for me to really feel like a mum. I was quite sick after the birth and even once we came home it took me a long time to recover. I was still feeling unfamiliar with being a mum 6 months down the line. I’d ask other mums when they really got into the swing of things and they’d usually say a few weeks or a couple of months at the most – none of which helped me. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, was I missing some internal ‘mum’ gene. I’d do things with my little lady, she’d bring me so much joy just watching her play or reading a story but I still didn’t feel like a mum. I think even my own mum was a little surprised that I wasn’t feeling more motherly. I think there is a lot of expectation on new mums and it’s not always plain sailing. I’d often compare myself to other new mums who seemed to have it all together after a relatively short space of time. I’d wonder why I wasn’t the same but the truth is I was the same. They buy clomid and nolvadex online might look calm and collected on the outside but I soon found out that on the inside they were exactly the same as me. Full of the same worries and anxieties – they just hid it better.
I think a turning point for me was going back to work, it gave me a bit of my ‘normal’ life back and because I only work part time I still get to spend lots of time with my little lady so it benefits us both. She hasn’t said ‘mamma’ yet and I wait on bated breath for the first time I hear her utter it. There have been little sounds that could almost be a mamma but I don’t count them, I’m waiting for the real thing. More than a year on since I walked into the hospital and our lives changed forever and I can now say that I enjoy every single moment I spend with my beautiful little lady, we laugh and play together and the look on her face when I walk into the room is priceless. I know that she looks to me for reassurance and above all else, when she is upset all she wants is a hug from me. I feel lucky and fortunate to have my little lady, I feel scared and anxious about her growing up so fast and I feel overwhelming joy when I sit and watch her sleep. I feel like mum.