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29 and Lost.

…and here I am sitting by the computer and crying my heart out because I feel lost.

All day I had been waiting for an email that would change my career life… but unfortunately  evening came and I received nothing. Have you ever felt so depressed and frustrated at the same time? I need this change. I need this job. I need something different to start over!… But you know what is more agonising? It is the fact that I am not even sure if this is the right path I should take. To make things worst, if this is not then what. Seems like I do not have a choice but to just carry on and decide on matters as they come? So hard. So Lost…

But while I was contemplating and sobbing the whole day, I browsed on some videos on youtube and watched celebrities or people who became successful because of their struggles in Life. On how they survived the most difficult times of their lives.. I should feel blessed with my life in comparison to theirs but I do not. In fact far from it. So I cried more… and more… feeling emotionally drained. Still lost.

I am waiting for my husband now to come home from work… and I just feel pressured. What shall I say to him? That I did not receive any email or call yet… and then what? Maybe tomorrow? What if I do receive it and unfortunately did not get the job? So what now? SO LOST.

I do not want to practice my profession. I do no want to work in a hospital again. For so long I have evaded it. I went to work in Care homes, in a restaurant, hotel, in dominos pizza, McDonalds, catering, hospital ward… I’ve done most jobs… I guess I can say I am proud. I have been everywhere right? Where most people stay in one or two jobs, I conquered a broader range of work experiences. So I guess I am proud, but where am I now? The other interpretation would be, I jumped from one workplace to the other. Trying out different things and experiencing life to the fullest or am I  just simply a discontented 29 year old woman who is lost and unable to realise her self…

I am here alone at home with no one to talk with. I am far from my family. I have been in a foreign country now for almost 6 years and I have never been feeling so lost like today. I have just changed my Facebook cover into one that shows a family portrait… and I was not there… and now I am asking myself, how was I able to live 6 long years without my loved ones near me… or have I really lived? Yes… I have ONLY  Lived those years…I did not really Live Life…and now I am feeling that need to find myself… and finally Live…

I am alone, lonely and lost… in everything…

I am not a true friend because I isolated myself from the world. I am not worthy to be called a daughter because I was not around when my parents became unwell. Nor can I call myself a sister because I was resentful. Yes I have been there, done that, but I never progressed because I opted to change. I Love my husband but I feel pressured and useless. I have a name but I feel like I am just one in millions too many… lost.

29 and lost.



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